Lament to the boy
I was recently recommended The intentional father by Jon Tyson and it had a massive impact on me in a way I never expected. Although the book is not too relevant to my situation, it is mostly about raising a son in their teenage years, where I have a daughter who’s 2 and a half. The relevance of the book however, impacted the boy in me as I learnt what it should be to go from boyhood to manhood, A transition I now feel I didn't quite get right.
Although Jon Tyson does explain an idealistic version of how to raise a boy into a man which can come across as radical parenting(In a good way), I felt myself longing for this version of mentorship I never experienced as a teenager. I look back and feel this deep craving for guidance. I am now 27, married and have a child of my own, yet ceremoniously do not feel like I have reached manhood. I don’t feel well equipped to be a man, yet alone raise a child of my own.
This comes down to many levels, both in practical skills required to be a man, as well as emotional and mental strength I should have developed through these years. I know that I have mostly recovered from my teenage years but I do look back with hurt. Not that anything terrible happened to me, but I needed help. I was lost and did not cope well during this period of my life. I remember being depressed, not having an ounce of confidence in myself and essentially dealing with my demons by myself. God is redeeming and called me to him as soon as I left home and went to varsity. If it wasn’t for this redeeming love and moral qualities my parents had instilled in me I’m not quite sure where I would have ended up.
Still I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from the hurt and lack of confidence I grew up with, as the boy in me still flares his head when I’m going through difficult times. This boy craves love, guidance, mentorship, blessing and affirmation. He craves to be told he has become a man and he has done well. He craves respect, he wants to be proud of who he is and what he’s become. He wants to be firm in his steps, walking closely with god, the strength and power he imagines this will result in. The boy instead feels weak and ill equipped, he wants to hide from struggle and bury himself in a warm bed and sleep, the only solace he found as a teenager.
I once heard someone say there comes a time you have to stop blaming your childhood or parents for the way you choose to be as an adult. I mourn those years but choose to be done with it. The only thing I can choose now is to move on, intentionally become the man I wish to be and make sure my children have a better experience. This is not just a simple decision but daily intentions I need to instill in my life.
Thank you Jon Tyson for creating this incredible example, for demonstrating what parenting could be like and for setting the bar high for us to follow. Thank you for this new standard of parenting that most of us men never received, may our children benefit and become the warriors God calls us to be in this fallen world.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”
1 Corinthians 13:11